My days are spent in agony,

nights are full of wonderment..

Do you think of me?

Have so many questions,

don't know if you can provide the answers.

Doesn't really matter as long as you think of me.

Your voice forever lingers in my ears,

a certain whisper that makes my heart ache..

It broke..

After all these years you let it break.

After unfulfilled promises and advantages you took

of my body, my heart...

MY LOVE,

do you love,

or am i not the one you want after all these years

can you hear the sound of my name and honestly say

YOU never think of ME!!

Are we playing hard to get

or have we still not learnt to put our Pride aside

since it broke our hearts.

Can you answer these questions,

can you even begin to imagine the confusion of my thoughts,

the stinging feeling in my eyes or the hard lump of tears i swollow

choking me into a darkness.

My life is so empty without your calls, your voice, that whisper.

would you laugh if i asked you to?

Would you believe me if i told you i miss it, along with your smile..

That grin of satisfaction everytime you realised you'd won..

SO FULL OF PRIDE..

Do you ever think of me, when my heart ached

because you weren't giving.

Now it aches still,

it hurts more because i am not receivin.

No lies, no anger, no love

NOTHING

Loveless Love

She gave him everything, he wanted nothing.

She asked for no favours in return.

She knew nothing, she thought she knew everything.

Everything was nothing when he thought of her.

Her heart was slowly dying for he was denying

himself the love that he deserved from the world.

As each night she sat crying

whatever he felt for her dying..

If ever something from nothing could ever be denied.

Crystal Clear Waters

Grains of sand massage my tongue

like chilli against our lips when we kiss.

From the waters onto this crystal bed i was flung.

These are the memories i most miss..

Sun's reflection sparkling hidden treasures of the sea

swiftly waltzing to the rhythm of the wind,

the restless untamed ever so free...

These are the songs upon which my heart fed.

Whispers of stolen secrets they would sing

to the ears of my lover, my earth and soul mate.

To whom my burdened heart will belong to no other..

No one explores me like you do

til my river explodes, overflows,

washing away all insecurities from earth and her sneers.

Such a fusion of confusion and bliss...

This is the lovemaking i most miss.

Grains of sand massaging my lips

like chilli against my tongue when we kiss.

From the crystal bed into the waters i was flung,

these are the memories i most miss.

As the glistening sea drowns me and my devotion to you,

who,

as the restless untamed sang ever so free...

Left me drowning!

Untitled

I'm dirty.

my mouth is filled with maggots and

the words i spill are all contaminated.

I hate lying.

My mind is degenerating and blood is flowing down my legs,

i think i am dying.

My flesh is dirty,

stained by all the hands of those

who swore to be carressing me.

You were hurting me.

Nobody heard me scream

no one ever hears my cries for help

they get drowned by your laughter.

Why are u laughing at me?

Can't you see the lines of anguish on my face.

I am tearing at my own flesh

hoping you will stop to rescue me but it is all in vain...

You didnt have to force your way in to me.

Maybe if you had smiled and made a little conversation

i would have opened up to you.

The men in my life have left me feeling insignificant and small.

You want to know what's ironic...

the women in my life have left me feeling worse.

You with your nurturing hands have left me with scars so deep

each time you appear i get the urge to cower away and hide.

I wake up each morning feeling as if i had died the night before...

Flies are swarming around my legs thanks to the fingers and shit

you stuck up into me.

Enjoying me.

My tears, my salty tears mingled with your salty sweat..

I HATE perspiring...

And your eyes,

there was nothing.

Hate i couldve tolerated,

but

NOTHING!!

You just got up from ontop of me and looked at me.

You couldve been looking passed me..

At Nothing...

I don't hate you.

All the time you were grabbing me,

your insulting words thrusting into me,

cursing me with your eyes.

Slashing me with your tongue,

gagging me with your kisses until i choked.

Muscles aching, body twitching with each carress.

i NEVER HATED you..

Is it raining!

Yes it's raining.

Seems fitting that the world should cry with me...

• • 
    

Damaged Goods

I am Damaged Goods,

 

that can neither love, nor find love.

My heart has long been emptied out,

scraped by the endless string of lovers who

swore to be caressing me with their filthy fingers,

long and skinny nails like claws

grabbing me, scarring me and

reducing me to nothing but

Damaged Goods

they can neither love nor ask for love.

I am Damaged Goods,

sneered at and cursed by those I hold dear to my heart

contaminating my thoughts with

the venom that spills out of their mouths.

Pain coursing through every vein in my body

making the blood stop,

 turning my body cold

losing all faith in a world that neither loves nor sees me.

Does the light ever make its way into my life, 

will my pleas for mercy be drowned along with

any hope I had of being normal.

If normal is calling others names and spitting on

those whose scars run deeper then yours.

If it's saying I love you but never looking into

my eyes or looking at the lines of fatigue

etched on my face.

If normal is using someone into nothing 

make me normal

so I will not hurt anymore but mock and 

sneer and burn flesh with my tongue,

that I too can corrupt young minds,

making them

Damaged Goods.

Lover's Quarrel

Do you see how you hurt me so

lover of mine who,

carelessly spurts words out of your mouth,

daggers flying across the room to injure me.

Letting their meaning lost to you, 

bruise and batter me

so your audience can laugh

all this time mocking me, and me

joing in your crowd in laughter, laughing 

the loudest with the 

desire to conceal all hurt.

You call me over-sensitive,

over-sensitivity birthed by your being under-sensitive,

making my emotions a time bomb that is 

highly explosive.

Should I know this as happiness, 

screaming to a wall that neither

listens nor answers but,

crumbles around me with all illusions shattered.

Is this to be love,

mine received when it's only convenient to you,

and never inbetween.

Oh lover of mine how deeply you hurt me so.

Is it because you know I will never let you go,

perfect man that you are.

How slow the wounds close,

how quick the scars heal.

I shan't ever let you go.

Ours being a connection neither one can understand, have 

we reached ultimate love

or it the beginning of comfort-zone

where neither will let the other go?

Oh lover of mine how 

we hurt each other so 

yet,

neither will let the other go.

Patch It With A Smile

On Friday morning  while teaching one of my classes (I teach drama), I noticed one of the little girls all huddled up in a corner looking very sad. I had just reprimanded one of the boys for punching her, but he was relentless, and punched her again behind my back. Concerned, because she is one of my  most enthusiastic little performers, I asked her what was wrong. With sad puppy eyes she looked up at me and said that her heart was sore. I gently took her hand into mine, pulled her up and told her her heart was sore because she wasn't smiling. I told her to give me her biggest smile and sure enough, after five minutes all was forgotten and she was her bubbly self again.

Today I'd been feeling down and when asked by a friend of mine what was wrong, the only way I could describe how I felt was by telling her that my heart was sore. That's when I realised what I had dismissed as childish brooding had in fact been an eloquent expression of what she was truly feeling. She was suffering from a heart broken by a boy. It's amazing how at such a young age boys have the power to break us, but unlike adults children are more resilient to the pains of life and only look for reassurance that all will soon be okay. Unfortunately it is not so easy for us adults. Life tends to leave us non-trusting, forever calculating, eyes working furiously so as not to miss the slightest gesture that may betray a person's true intention.  Insecurity is hard work and it is tiring because there is no rest for an insecure heart. It eventually gets sore. It gets even more painful when it feels abandoned and unappreciated and alone. I was tired of feeling like this, and as I was sitting alone in silence, waiting for a solution, an answer to my troubles, a little voice inside of me told me to smile...

... so I smiled,

and although it didn't take the pain away completely it did make it bearable. It gave me the strength to realise that I am responsible for my emotions and how I chose to react to certain situations is entirely up to me.  If you're feeling abandoned go out and look for someone who'll appreciate you. Call a friend or a family member, there is so much love out there in the world yet we chose to sit alone in the dark, waiting for it to walk through the door.  When alone get dressed, go out and meet new people, get to know their interests and together create beauty. Don't ever allow another person to take you away from yourself. Be in control. 

My heart is still not fully healed but it is on the mend because, just like the little girl, I chose to change my attitude towards life. I chose to smile, and it patched up my heart. So as you begin a new week remember to smile, it may not solve world hunger or reverse the effects of global warming, but it will set you on a new course, one of optimism and an exhilaration of the soul.

A Journey Only Half Travelled

We do not know if there is a next world after we have crossed over from this realm, or if we will even be eligible to enter it, and because we are uncertain of which way our loved ones will go, we can only but try to make the most of what we have been given, and what little time we have left.

I have no disillusions of how little I have come to achieving my goal, or should I say how far I still have to go in order to reach it, but mine is a journey only half travelled. I have many obstacles and mountains to hike up and valleys to cross but it’s okay. I am not disheartened because I know for sure the scenery won’t always be a dull one. The weather won’t always be gloomy so I won’t always be a morbid person.

You know what our main goal should be, to ensure that whoever we encounter along the way leaves with something they can share with the next. We too will sort out lessons we need to carry us along the way. We just need to have someone to pitch a tent with when we are in the wilderness, so we can comfort each other in the dark, and love each other in the light.

Love is light.

It is what makes the world turn on its own axis. It is infinity and it is boundless. It’s the darkness that makes us believe it has its limits because our human eyes cannot see beyond the dark edges that creep up on us when we least expect them. We have to learn to look through our third eye, our soul. Our spirits are there to guide us through the dark corners of our lives while our souls focus on the light. There is so much peace in the light.

So I guess if there is one lesson I have learnt in my weary life so far, it is that in whatever microcosms we find ourselves existing in, we must always make sure they are well lit with millions of stars. Those stars are the people we allow to enter our little lives. Stars fall and we too lose people in our lives, but their energies will reside in us for infinity until our lights too whither and like a candle blown out by a slight breeze, ebb away and die.

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