A Dream:

I close my eyes for a second and find myself standing barefoot on an open field. It’s just before sunrise, the dew glistens like diamonds beneath my feet. Each breath I take is fire to my lungs; so crisp, so fresh... so full of life. “This is what being alive, truly alive, must feel like.”

On an open field, feet bare, cheeks flushed and skin tingling from the cold- my senses are pulsating, they are pumping life into my body. My heart feels like it’s going to burst; like some invisible hand has gripped it tight, I don’t know whether to run or hold my breath and pretend to be frozen stiff. My body wants to break free and join my soul which long heard the song of the morning breeze.

How gracefully my soul dances, something my body can never seem to get right- grace, poise… beauty. With these I am not blessed, not in the world’s standards or perception.

…It’s okay,

My eyes will soon have to open and I’ll find myself back on that stuffy train with the morning traffic packed like sardines, each person looking deader than the next. The monotonous tone of the announcer detached, announcing the next train station before the penguins, in their suits, file out...

..NO!!!

Take me back to my open field.

It is twilight and the sun has slowly, more like sleepily begun its ascend across the sky. Warm rays paint the sky with streaks of mouthwatering peaches and as they caress my face I find myself standing in front of my great grandmother’s coal stove; cheeks dipped in soot-coloured roses. Rain pouring outside, clothes damp, fire’s warmth dancing alluringly on my hands and feet:

Train tracks, mud and corn fields. Dirt and little brown children on mulberry trees.

My great grandmother is sitting around the table. She doesn’t acknowledge my presence; is probably not even aware of my existence. A candle on the table, her Bible on her lap, she neither moves nor blinks; I doubt she’s even alive, although, I can hear another heartbeat that’s not the ticking of the clock. Her spirit seems to touch me lightly on my shoulder; “I am with you don’t worry.” It  says to me.

The door opens

My great grandma stirs. Rain welcomes itself in with no invitation from us. I run to the door, close it and bolt it tight with a rusty screwdriver.

The candle has been blown out.

It is dark and when I open my eyes I am on neither field nor my great grandmother’s kitchen. It is too dark to tell, but I suspect I am lying on my bed.

My days are spent in agony,

nights are full of wonderment..

Do you think of me?

Have so many questions,

don't know if you can provide the answers.

Doesn't really matter as long as you think of me.

Your voice forever lingers in my ears,

a certain whisper that makes my heart ache..

It broke..

After all these years you let it break.

After unfulfilled promises and advantages you took

of my body, my heart...

MY LOVE,

do you love,

or am i not the one you want after all these years

can you hear the sound of my name and honestly say

YOU never think of ME!!

Are we playing hard to get

or have we still not learnt to put our Pride aside

since it broke our hearts.

Can you answer these questions,

can you even begin to imagine the confusion of my thoughts,

the stinging feeling in my eyes or the hard lump of tears i swollow

choking me into a darkness.

My life is so empty without your calls, your voice, that whisper.

would you laugh if i asked you to?

Would you believe me if i told you i miss it, along with your smile..

That grin of satisfaction everytime you realised you'd won..

SO FULL OF PRIDE..

Do you ever think of me, when my heart ached

because you weren't giving.

Now it aches still,

it hurts more because i am not receivin.

No lies, no anger, no love

NOTHING

Loveless Love

She gave him everything, he wanted nothing.

She asked for no favours in return.

She knew nothing, she thought she knew everything.

Everything was nothing when he thought of her.

Her heart was slowly dying for he was denying

himself the love that he deserved from the world.

As each night she sat crying

whatever he felt for her dying..

If ever something from nothing could ever be denied.

Crystal Clear Waters

Grains of sand massage my tongue

like chilli against our lips when we kiss.

From the waters onto this crystal bed i was flung.

These are the memories i most miss..

Sun's reflection sparkling hidden treasures of the sea

swiftly waltzing to the rhythm of the wind,

the restless untamed ever so free...

These are the songs upon which my heart fed.

Whispers of stolen secrets they would sing

to the ears of my lover, my earth and soul mate.

To whom my burdened heart will belong to no other..

No one explores me like you do

til my river explodes, overflows,

washing away all insecurities from earth and her sneers.

Such a fusion of confusion and bliss...

This is the lovemaking i most miss.

Grains of sand massaging my lips

like chilli against my tongue when we kiss.

From the crystal bed into the waters i was flung,

these are the memories i most miss.

As the glistening sea drowns me and my devotion to you,

who,

as the restless untamed sang ever so free...

Left me drowning!

Untitled

I'm dirty.

my mouth is filled with maggots and

the words i spill are all contaminated.

I hate lying.

My mind is degenerating and blood is flowing down my legs,

i think i am dying.

My flesh is dirty,

stained by all the hands of those

who swore to be carressing me.

You were hurting me.

Nobody heard me scream

no one ever hears my cries for help

they get drowned by your laughter.

Why are u laughing at me?

Can't you see the lines of anguish on my face.

I am tearing at my own flesh

hoping you will stop to rescue me but it is all in vain...

You didnt have to force your way in to me.

Maybe if you had smiled and made a little conversation

i would have opened up to you.

The men in my life have left me feeling insignificant and small.

You want to know what's ironic...

the women in my life have left me feeling worse.

You with your nurturing hands have left me with scars so deep

each time you appear i get the urge to cower away and hide.

I wake up each morning feeling as if i had died the night before...

Flies are swarming around my legs thanks to the fingers and shit

you stuck up into me.

Enjoying me.

My tears, my salty tears mingled with your salty sweat..

I HATE perspiring...

And your eyes,

there was nothing.

Hate i couldve tolerated,

but

NOTHING!!

You just got up from ontop of me and looked at me.

You couldve been looking passed me..

At Nothing...

I don't hate you.

All the time you were grabbing me,

your insulting words thrusting into me,

cursing me with your eyes.

Slashing me with your tongue,

gagging me with your kisses until i choked.

Muscles aching, body twitching with each carress.

i NEVER HATED you..

Is it raining!

Yes it's raining.

Seems fitting that the world should cry with me...

• • 
    

Damaged Goods

I am Damaged Goods,

 

that can neither love, nor find love.

My heart has long been emptied out,

scraped by the endless string of lovers who

swore to be caressing me with their filthy fingers,

long and skinny nails like claws

grabbing me, scarring me and

reducing me to nothing but

Damaged Goods

they can neither love nor ask for love.

I am Damaged Goods,

sneered at and cursed by those I hold dear to my heart

contaminating my thoughts with

the venom that spills out of their mouths.

Pain coursing through every vein in my body

making the blood stop,

 turning my body cold

losing all faith in a world that neither loves nor sees me.

Does the light ever make its way into my life, 

will my pleas for mercy be drowned along with

any hope I had of being normal.

If normal is calling others names and spitting on

those whose scars run deeper then yours.

If it's saying I love you but never looking into

my eyes or looking at the lines of fatigue

etched on my face.

If normal is using someone into nothing 

make me normal

so I will not hurt anymore but mock and 

sneer and burn flesh with my tongue,

that I too can corrupt young minds,

making them

Damaged Goods.

Lover's Quarrel

Do you see how you hurt me so

lover of mine who,

carelessly spurts words out of your mouth,

daggers flying across the room to injure me.

Letting their meaning lost to you, 

bruise and batter me

so your audience can laugh

all this time mocking me, and me

joing in your crowd in laughter, laughing 

the loudest with the 

desire to conceal all hurt.

You call me over-sensitive,

over-sensitivity birthed by your being under-sensitive,

making my emotions a time bomb that is 

highly explosive.

Should I know this as happiness, 

screaming to a wall that neither

listens nor answers but,

crumbles around me with all illusions shattered.

Is this to be love,

mine received when it's only convenient to you,

and never inbetween.

Oh lover of mine how deeply you hurt me so.

Is it because you know I will never let you go,

perfect man that you are.

How slow the wounds close,

how quick the scars heal.

I shan't ever let you go.

Ours being a connection neither one can understand, have 

we reached ultimate love

or it the beginning of comfort-zone

where neither will let the other go?

Oh lover of mine how 

we hurt each other so 

yet,

neither will let the other go.